Columns
25 ways to capture bin Ladin


by Dave Weinbaum

I can’t believe it’s been over 6 years since the 9/11 al-Qaeda suicide murders and
we’re still searching for Osama bin Laden.  Even if we haven’t suffered one attack on
US soil since, Bush has left a gap in his legacy the width of that “Mission
Accomplished” banner that somehow appeared on that warship, oh so long ago.  
Yet, as we go to press, the worst mass murderer of our time is still on the loose.

And, just to rub it in, the bearded one is making more movies than Alec Baldwin.

Obviously, delegating the task to semi-conflicted “allies” in Pakistan and Afghanistan
isn’t getting the job done.  

Once again I’ve taken it upon myself to help out our well meaning and yet, at times,
inept president.  Below is a laundry list of ways to trap the most wanted man in the
world.  


  1. IRS - With all those American connections with Bush, I’m sure bin Laden is
    overdue for an audit.  Does he even file?  Don’t snicker, it's how we got Al
    Capone!
  2. Alimony, child support-Get the DFS on his trail.  The man has had his share
    of wives, divorces and children.  So what if he’s a billionaire?  I’ll bet Osama’s
    delinquent with something!
  3. Blackbeard Day at Disney World.
  4. Landlord - With all those hiding places being sought after, cave leases have
    gone through the roof…or the bat openings.  I can just see Huma, the
    landlady, nail an eviction notice on Osama’s front rock because of past due
    rent.
  5. Whitney Houston - I heard he had the hots for her.  Now “Bobby-less” maybe
    The Whitney will take one for the country.  It’s not like she’s selling out
    concerts or anything.
  6. Tail Sean Penn or a variety of “stars”.  Now that Chavez has lost the election,
    Fidel is ill, and Putin is jailing or plugging every refusenik he can find, Osama
    seems the best bet to show hatred for Americ…I mean Bush.
  7. Send Ed McMahon to knock on his rock with a ten Million dollar check.
  8. Throw a Nazeeya’s Secret Burhka lingerie party for harem, and count on
    Osama and his buds to crash it.
  9. Dialysis machine recall.
  10. Obama offers Osama the VP ticket because it’ll read so cool on a button.
  11. Bill’s black book rumored lost in Arab Emirates during one of his highly paid
    speeches.
  12. Tell the “boys” Osama squealed on Vinnie.
  13. Buy one get one falafels at local Hummus Hut.
  14. Offer 12 step program for unrepentant terrorists at same Rehab center as
    Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears.
  15. Offer Santa Claus gig at Macy’s - Tell him he can soften his image by dying
    his Beard white while wearing Santa’s cap.  He can even replace the reindeer
    with his camels as long as he paints the lead beast's nose a bright red.
  16. Religious Exchange Day with the Pope.
  17. Hillary sends in the private dicks she retains to find and bully Bill’s bimbos to
    harass bin Ladens’ favorite goat
  18. Have him served and arrested with the Clinton Administrations’ 1998
    indictment.  
  19. Google Earth Northern Pakistan and Afghanistan …look for the tallest guy
    there.
  20. Falafel Fry Friday at the Mosque.  
  21. Send Hillary to live with him.  He’ll surrender within a week.
  22. Promise him a PR campaign with Oprah to show he’s a victim not an
    “evildoer.”
  23. Match.com for Mullahs
  24. Surprise 50th Birthday party at local Hooter’s.
  25. Spread a rumor that Osama named his son’s teddy bear “Mohammed.”

Ludicrous you say?  

How has the hunt for Osama been goin’ so far?  What do we have to lose? If we
don’t capture or kill Bin Laden and his ilk….everything


Dave Weinbaum is a regular contributor of one-liners and commentaries to many
regional and national publications and Web sites, including the Reader's Digest,
National Enquirer, Forbes, and is a regular pundit for the prestigious www.
jewishworldreview.com . Readers can reach Dave at dwquote@prodigy.net.