Columns
Just Because You Call It Like It Is, Doesn't
Mean They'll Like It Like It's Called


by Dave Weinbaum

As a “writer”, I can officially excuse myself from any chore I find intolerable.  So as my
wife races my credit card balances to denial levels at the malls, I have good reason
for being elsewhere.  It’s called a “deadline” and it’s helped many a writer weasel out
of unpleasant chores since Confucius dodged washing the wok and chopsticks after
dinner.  What better time of the year to look forward to future predictions?  Here are
mine:

1. ALGORE falls into iceberg crevice while demonstrating man-made global
warming.  He’s frozen solid, only to be discovered 500 years from now during the
next warming phase.  His remains are eaten by a polar bear.  

2. The 2000 and 2004 elections will be voided, allowing Dubya to run and win the
2008 election.  Karl Rove is his VP.  Cheney retires and lives off his board duties for
Halliburton and Big Oil companies.  He shoots himself in the foot while hunting.

3. Jimmy Carter confesses to being secret leader of the American Nazi Party.  He
reveals this in his new book.  Hitler: A Hero Whose Legacy was Destroyed by Those
Damn Jews Who Survived.

4. Hillary loses election and text messages divorce terms to Bill.  Bill is so relieved
he retires to Dubai to play golf and work on his hookers.

5. OJ repeats vow to look for Nicole and Goldman’s killer in his new location at San
Quentin.  Too bad, because it ruined President Bush’s plans to put the Juice in
charge of the United Bin Laden Insurgent National Destroy Unit. (UBLIND)  

6. I will make another hole in one next year, but I’ll have to hire witnesses…again.

7. Israel will take out Iran ’s Nuke bomb plant to the public condemnation and secret
relief of the entire world…especially the Muslim countries of the Middle East .

8. Disney builds amusement park in Tehran .  Ahmadinejad poses as Goofy and
takes Mickey and Minnie hostage.   

9. Weinstein Brothers buy Osama and Zawahiri films and make a documentary.  
They win Cannes , Sundance, Academy, and Nobel Prize, for best picture for the
advancement of appeasement. It becomes official movie to the Democratic election
effort.  

10. Congress votes to allow all liberal teachers the right to be armed in class while
conservatives earn the right to be shot.

11. Mike Tyson makes comeback as a Special Olympian.

12. Joe Lieberman repeats as VP candidate, only this time on the Republican ticket.  

13. Obama loses.  He vows to sleep with as many Black Women as possible so
African American icon Ambassador and Mayor Andrew Young will consider him as
Black as Bill Clinton.

14. The writers strike is settled, but not before a huge spike in births nine months
after the shows stopped.

15. The Pope fires Franco Zeffirelli as his image consultant and hires Don Rickles.

16. Depends hires astronaut Lisa Nowak as a spokeswoman.  The adult diaper is
going for a new market; young and crazy, jealousy inflicted space jockeys from 18 to
49.  

17. Teddy Kennedy’s book bombs until it’s distributed in liquor stores, bars, strip
joints, and diving gear stores throughout America .  It becomes required reading for
AA.

18. When asked to demonstrate their foreign policy, Both Ron Paul and Dennis
Kucinich suffocate after burying their heads in the sand.  

19. Hillary, Nancy, Harry, Kerry, Feinstein, and the rest of the flippers on the left will
take credit for the surge after disparaging it even before the troops were in place.  
There are some in America that believe them.  They are called “liberals.”

And finally:

20. I was going to be a psychic, but there’s no future in it.

There you have it, the next year laid out for you.  

Men, unless you’re a “writer”, you’ll have to find your own scam to avoid the dredge of
being dragged along as an ornament to “Girl’s Night Out” or some other hideous
soiree.  


Dave Weinbaum is a regular contributor of one-liners and commentaries to many
regional and national publications and Web sites, including the Reader's Digest,
National Enquirer, Forbes, and is a regular pundit for the prestigious www.
jewishworldreview.com . Readers can reach Dave at dwquote@prodigy.net.