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by Dave Weinbaum
I’ve decided to go into the polling business. How hard can it be?
Can you get any more inaccurate than the results recently
predicted by polls from the current survey establishment? And
whether right or wrong, you get to charge for your services.
Cha-Ching!
I’m not going to ask the obvious, either. Questions like: Do you
believe Ron Paul’s many years as a gynecologist have caused
him tunnel vision regarding foreign policy? Is Bill Clinton going to
leave yet more stains in the White House in an unprecedented
third term?
I’m gonna ask deep and abstract questions that’ll need a team of
psychoanalysts to decipher. And I’ve taken the liberty of
departmentalizing them so that YOUR tax dollars, not my
pocketbook pays for the surveys.
Isn’t that the American way?
Here’s my first attempt at finding out what the American electorate
are thinking:
It’s my poll and I’ll ask what I want to, ask what I want to, ask what
I want to…
Hey, I’ve even put this to song! Instead of Music Man, I’m sure
there’s a place in the entertainment industry for Polling Man.
It’s sung to Fiddler on The Roof’s If I Were a Rich Man. C’mon,
everybody…at the count of three! One, two, one, two, THREE!
If I were a poll man,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long I'd biddy biddy bum.
If I were a polling man.
I wouldn't have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy biddy smart,
Yidle-diddle-didle-polling man.
I'd build a big tall list with questions by the dozen,
right in the middle of the vote.
Another one even longer, just for media.
I'd fill my blog with chicks and pundits and geeks,
For foolish sophistry, just to show how intelligent I can be.
And each turned phrase, little jab, pun and poke
would land on each moron with a vote,
As if to say "Here lives a polling man” Dada dum DADUUUUUM…
(3 second pause)
I see my wife, my Joni, looking like a smart man's wife
with a clipboard and a scowl.
Supervising polls to her hearts delight.
I see her putting on airs and strutting like a peacock.
Oy, what a happy mood she's in.
Screaming at the pundits day and night. Ya dada dadum…
(3 second pause)
The most important men in town would come to fawn on me!
They would ask me to advise them,
Like a Solomon the Wiseman.
"If you please, Mr. Weinbaum..."
"Pardon me, Mr. Weinbaum..."
Posing problems that would cross Newt Gingrich eyes!
If I were a poll man,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long I'd biddy biddy bum.
If I were a polling man.
I wouldn't have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy biddy smart,
Yidle- diddle- didle- polling man.
Dave Weinbaum is a regular contributor of one-liners and
commentaries to many regional and national publications and
Web sites, including the Reader's Digest, National Enquirer,
Forbes, and is a regular pundit for the prestigious www.
jewishworldreview.com . Readers can reach Dave at
dwquote@prodigy.net.
I’ve decided to go into the polling business. How hard can it be?
Can you get any more inaccurate than the results recently
predicted by polls from the current survey establishment? And
whether right or wrong, you get to charge for your services.
Cha-Ching!
I’m not going to ask the obvious, either. Questions like: Do you
believe Ron Paul’s many years as a gynecologist have caused
him tunnel vision regarding foreign policy? Is Bill Clinton going to
leave yet more stains in the White House in an unprecedented
third term?
I’m gonna ask deep and abstract questions that’ll need a team of
psychoanalysts to decipher. And I’ve taken the liberty of
departmentalizing them so that YOUR tax dollars, not my
pocketbook pays for the surveys.
Isn’t that the American way?
Here’s my first attempt at finding out what the American electorate
are thinking:
It’s my poll and I’ll ask what I want to, ask what I want to, ask what
I want to…
- From the US Geological Survey: Are you incontinent if you
can’t name major land masses? - From the State Department: Should Cannibals eat the
hands that feed them? - From the Humane Society and the Better Business
Bureau: If you buy a cat for half price does it come with only
4 1/2 lives? - From the Highway Department: If a truck is big enough,
why do they call it a “semi?” Just how big does a truck
have to be to be called a finalist? - From the IRS: Is there no success congress leaves
unpunished? - From the religious right: If a baker marries his first cousin,
is he inbred twice? - From National Parks and Forests: Do man-made lures
work better on government made lakes? - From Social Services: Why do papers put marriage
announcements next to the obituaries? - From the FDA: Should you fry or poach rooster eggs?
- From Health and Human Resources: Has anyone ever
seen a cute bronchitis?
Hey, I’ve even put this to song! Instead of Music Man, I’m sure
there’s a place in the entertainment industry for Polling Man.
It’s sung to Fiddler on The Roof’s If I Were a Rich Man. C’mon,
everybody…at the count of three! One, two, one, two, THREE!
If I were a poll man,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long I'd biddy biddy bum.
If I were a polling man.
I wouldn't have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy biddy smart,
Yidle-diddle-didle-polling man.
I'd build a big tall list with questions by the dozen,
right in the middle of the vote.
Another one even longer, just for media.
I'd fill my blog with chicks and pundits and geeks,
For foolish sophistry, just to show how intelligent I can be.
And each turned phrase, little jab, pun and poke
would land on each moron with a vote,
As if to say "Here lives a polling man” Dada dum DADUUUUUM…
(3 second pause)
I see my wife, my Joni, looking like a smart man's wife
with a clipboard and a scowl.
Supervising polls to her hearts delight.
I see her putting on airs and strutting like a peacock.
Oy, what a happy mood she's in.
Screaming at the pundits day and night. Ya dada dadum…
(3 second pause)
The most important men in town would come to fawn on me!
They would ask me to advise them,
Like a Solomon the Wiseman.
"If you please, Mr. Weinbaum..."
"Pardon me, Mr. Weinbaum..."
Posing problems that would cross Newt Gingrich eyes!
If I were a poll man,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long I'd biddy biddy bum.
If I were a polling man.
I wouldn't have to work hard.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy biddy smart,
Yidle- diddle- didle- polling man.
Dave Weinbaum is a regular contributor of one-liners and
commentaries to many regional and national publications and
Web sites, including the Reader's Digest, National Enquirer,
Forbes, and is a regular pundit for the prestigious www.
jewishworldreview.com . Readers can reach Dave at
dwquote@prodigy.net.
If I Were A Poll Man