The value of drink [Back to home]
SOME ARE SOBER, OTHERS HAPPY. ~
DAVE WEINBAUM
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the
wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the
glass and think about the workers in the
vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they
might be out of work and their dreams would
be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is
better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry
about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may
leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When
they wake up in the morning, that's as good
as they're going to feel all day.. "
~Frank Sinatra
I WAS FIRED BY THE DRY CLEANER. THEY
FOUND ME THREE SHEETS TO THE WIND.
~ DAVE WEINBAUM
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may
create the illusion that you are tougher,
smarter, faster and better looking than most
people.
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I
gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may
lead you to think people are laughing WITH
you.
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.
Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may
cause you to think you can sing.
I’M A TALENTED DRUNK. MY POTENTIAL IS
STAGGERING. ~ DAVE WEINBAUM
"When we drink, we sometimes get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we
commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may
cause pregnancy.
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants
us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a
major factor in dancing like a retard.
"Without question, the greatest invention in
the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant
you that the wheel was also a fine invention,
but the wheel does not go nearly as well with
pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may
cause you to tell your friends over and over
again that you love them.
I TRIED DRINKING IN MODERATION BUT
COULDN’T FIND IT ON THE MAP. ~ DAVE
WEINBAUM
To some it's a six-pack; to me it's a Support
Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may
make you think you can logically converse
with members of the opposite sex without
spitting.
And saving the best for last, as explained by
Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was
explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy
Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of
buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest
buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that
are killed first. This natural selection is good
for the herd as a whole, because the general
speed and health of the whole group keeps
improving by the regular killing of the
weakest members. In much the same way,
the human brain can only operate as fast as
the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of
alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But
naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest
brain cells first. In this way, regular
consumption of beer eliminates the weaker
brain cells, making the brain a faster and
more efficient machine. That's why you
always feel smarter after a few beers.."
I QUIT GOING TO ALCOHOL ANONYMOUS
MEETINGS. I COULD NEVER FIND THE BAR.
~ DAVE WEINBAUM
DAVE WEINBAUM
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the
wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the
glass and think about the workers in the
vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they
might be out of work and their dreams would
be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is
better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry
about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may
leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When
they wake up in the morning, that's as good
as they're going to feel all day.. "
~Frank Sinatra
I WAS FIRED BY THE DRY CLEANER. THEY
FOUND ME THREE SHEETS TO THE WIND.
~ DAVE WEINBAUM
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may
create the illusion that you are tougher,
smarter, faster and better looking than most
people.
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I
gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may
lead you to think people are laughing WITH
you.
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.
Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may
cause you to think you can sing.
I’M A TALENTED DRUNK. MY POTENTIAL IS
STAGGERING. ~ DAVE WEINBAUM
"When we drink, we sometimes get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we
commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may
cause pregnancy.
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants
us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a
major factor in dancing like a retard.
"Without question, the greatest invention in
the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant
you that the wheel was also a fine invention,
but the wheel does not go nearly as well with
pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may
cause you to tell your friends over and over
again that you love them.
I TRIED DRINKING IN MODERATION BUT
COULDN’T FIND IT ON THE MAP. ~ DAVE
WEINBAUM
To some it's a six-pack; to me it's a Support
Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may
make you think you can logically converse
with members of the opposite sex without
spitting.
And saving the best for last, as explained by
Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was
explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy
Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of
buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest
buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that
are killed first. This natural selection is good
for the herd as a whole, because the general
speed and health of the whole group keeps
improving by the regular killing of the
weakest members. In much the same way,
the human brain can only operate as fast as
the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of
alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But
naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest
brain cells first. In this way, regular
consumption of beer eliminates the weaker
brain cells, making the brain a faster and
more efficient machine. That's why you
always feel smarter after a few beers.."
I QUIT GOING TO ALCOHOL ANONYMOUS
MEETINGS. I COULD NEVER FIND THE BAR.
~ DAVE WEINBAUM